Friday, June 27, 2008

I need your prayers...

I have a problem. And it's as serious as any alcoholic or drug addict's problems. I am a spend-a-holic. I know that sounds funny and cute but it's not. It's serious. There have been times in my life when I couldn't control my spending, including recently. In 2005, over the course of a few months I spent nearly $20,000. There was a trip to California involved. Other than that, I only remember a lot of eating out and lots of trips to the mall for new clothes and dvds. I will go along for several months, doing ok and then BAM! something in my brain goes weird and I justify all kinds of purchases. Oh, sure, now it's usually a really good deal on whatever it is, but in reality it's not a necessary purchase and the money shouldn't be spent. This has repeatedly put a strain on my marriage. When you spend money behind your husband's back you're sending a message to him, whether you realize it or not. That message is "What you give me isn't enough, I want MORE!" To show him such disrespect is most shameful. Guys will tease each other about their wives spending habits, but many a truth is said in jest. And so I have wounded my husband and I have shamed him in the eyes of others.

And so I'm coming here today to confess before witnesses, few though they may be, that I need help. I need your prayers. I need God to help me overcome this weakness.

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. Phil 4:13

Because the only way I'm going to overcome this addiction/illness/foolishness is with His help.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008


I'm sorely tempted to delete that last post. But for now I won't. I'll just go on with my blog as I've gone on with my life.

Speaking of which, the kids are making messes so I'd better cut this short. Thanks for the kind words.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Call me irresponsible...

I am heartsick tonight and it doesn't have anything to do with my blogging absence. That's just due to my overwhelming laziness coupled with my inability to think of anything remotely interesting to blog about. No, tonight I am sad and also disappointed in myself as a pet owner/farmer/responsible adult.

A few months back I mentioned our goats. Frist we bought Clara and Heidi. Then Vito came to join them, and he was quite thankful for the small harem he'd been given. And as these things happen, we were blessed with kids in April. I assumed that Heidi had the buck kid (Alvin) and Clara had the doe kid(Frosting), since they were paired up that way when we found them. What a surprise we had when a month later Clara turned up with a little black doe kid(Sweetness) the day we brought home "Honey" the milk goat. Our herd was growing in leaps and bounds. I was concerned at first that Clara would disregard her new kid in favor of Frosting since poor little Sweetness wasn't as big and strong and might have trouble keeping up and holding her own. But things seemed to be going well. The grass and underbrush are growing in plenty, and there are three buckets of water kept in the pen, so for the most part the goats don't require much thought or attention.

(While we wait for the house on 8 acres to be completed, we live in the city limits in a neighborhood. Call me antisocial but I HATE having neighbors which is probably a result of being raised on a farm out in the country. And our goats, being the way that goats are, love nothing more than to escape from their paddock and roam the neighborhood checking if the grass is greener in this yard or that. So far, we haven't had any backlash from this occurence, but I know it's only a matter of time. )

I noticed lately that the other goats would go for a wander and leave someone behind. Sometimes it was Sweetness, sometimes Frosting, occasionally it was even Clara. I didn't really think much about it until I saw little Frosting standing near the water bucket all alone again. And was it my imagination or did she look a little thin? I mentioned this to Jeremy and he said he didn't think it was as serious as I thought, but I could always go get some "save a kid" and bottle feed her.

Here's where the guilt comes in.

I forgot.

Yep, I forgot that I was concerned. It just went right out of my head.

What with the house construction, and the baby growing, and the a/c quitting, and the tv dying, and my brother coming for a visit I forgot about Frosting.

Tonight on the way to Bible study the goats were actually in our own yard for a change. As I headed down the driveway I glanced and counted heads. Hmmm, Frosting was missing. So I got out of the van to go check on her.

I found her lying under a tree, lifeless. And I have this enormous guilt. Because I should have done something to prevent this.

I called my mom after church. "She might have been sick. A sick goat is a dead goat because once they're sick there's not much you can do."

But my concience is eating away at me. How could you forget?! You let her starve! Poor little orphaned thing needed a new mommy and you were too distracted to take care of her. What are the kids gonna say when they find out? They'll be crushed!

And now I just want to take them all to the livestock sale and sell them to someone more responsible; someone who won't just let them die out of absentminded stupidity.

Why has God seen fit to give me the responsibility of raising His children when I can't even manage a small herd of goats?